Date:	2011-05-31 17:00
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	stressed

[Filter: Private]

It's insane. That's what it is. She's insane.

Alastair is a shit. He was born a shit. Mother made him her little pet, and then Mother left us and Carlotta joined us, and Alastair never forgave her that sin. It set the tone for the rest of his damned life. He abused her, and he abused Leana.

But what she's suggesting is insane.

Poison, that's what she won't quite say. She's trying to convince me that he's poisoning our father. It's -- yes, it's insane. It's laughable. Alastair is a shit, but there's a gulf the length of Eire between being spoiled and unpleasant, and being a patricidal lunatic.

And Eudora ...

Well, that's even more insane. That poor sweet thing? Even if Alastair were capable of this, he could never talk her into it.

But ...

But there is the business of the healer. And his notes. And the fact that Eudora was with him. She seems so innocent as to be incorruptible, but if that were true, she'd never have slept with another man, no matter how he preyed on her. At least, that's how I understand these things are supposed to go.

I don't know.

Leana needs my help. If she could do this alone, have Father declared unsuitable for rule and move him to a place where he could be cared for, she'd do it. It's obvious that she has no doubts. If this is going to happen, she needs me. She needs me to convince Mother. She needs Hilary and my connections in Lucre to move things along quickly.

I wish she didn't, and could just fix this up all herself. The fact is, if Father gets better and finds himself with no titles, no lands, and Alastair Lord of Fairen, it'll be my fault, and me who'll bear the brunt of it. I was never good enough for him in any other way, must I be the one who destroys what he spent his whole life working towards? That Fairen is a House that someone would even consider patricide to own is only because of him. When he was born, we were nothing, barely enough money and prestige to call ourselves nobility. He might have gotten where he is by selling my sister, but ...

Why do I have to be the person who decides whether he dies as Lord of Fairen, or lives as a forgotten, gibbering idiot?

And to think, this was supposed to be a relaxing visit home. Wonderful. I'd love to ask Hilary about all of this ...

Date:	2011-04-22 00:48
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay

[Filter: Private]

The girl does seem to adore him, but it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable to watch them together. Twenty years old she may be, but she never looks a day older than thirteen. Some day soon, he's going to get tired of playing devoted husband, and go back to his bitter, whoring old self, and then that poor thing ...

Well, there's nothing I can do about that.

At least she's done wonders for Hilary. She's still ... there's a long way to go there, I think, but I don't feel quite like she needs my constant supervision, anymore. I was actually glad to see her go out with Eudora, this morning. They get on well.

Hm. Actually, with Hilary out ...

[Filter: Leana]

Sister, I have a moment now. I trust you still want to talk about this matter you've been trying to get my attention on for weeks, now?

Date:	2011-03-28 05:16
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

[Filter: Alastair, Leana, Eudora, Hilary]

I just thought I'd let my dear family know, Hilary and I should be arriving today or tomorrow. You can make whatever preparations you see fit, but for myself, I'd rather spend a day resting from the trip than endure any sort of celebration.

I'd ... like to see Father as soon as possible. I'm not sure who's in charge of his care, at the moment, but if that could be arranged ...

... it'll be nice to be home.

Date:	2011-03-16 03:05
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy

[Filter: Leana]

From Eudora's writing, it sounds like you're all getting ready to receive us, already. I'm glad. Thank you, really. Hilary ... she needs this.

I was wondering if I could ask something from you, specifically, sister?

Date:	2011-02-23 02:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable

[Filter: Private]

I don't know what to say to her, or what to do for her. It's been a week, and I just ...

I'm useless. Powerless. She doesn't hear a word I say. She doesn't hear anything anybody says, and -- I can't handle it. I can't handle not being able to help her.

Maybe ... maybe this, maybe writing ...

[Filter: Hilary]

Sister?

Date:	2011-02-14 04:31
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

[Filter: Hilary]

I think ...

I think something is wrong, Hilary. And I think that you should stop taking your medication.

Date:	2011-01-30 19:57
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

[Filter: Private]

... something isn't right.

She's -- she's too late. We don't know the exact date, we can't have, but she's almost two weeks late. That's enough that even with some error, I --

It's this healer. He's a hack. I don't know --

[Filter: Hilary]

How are you feeling, today, sister?

Date:	2011-01-27 21:51
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried

[Filter: Private]

They estimated she was due two weeks ago. That's what they told us. And now they're saying you can't rush anything, that her body is still weak from the complications, to give it time, and

[Filter: Irene]

I've started

Ho, there. I don't suppose I could try your patience by asking for yet another favour, my friend.

Date:	2010-10-31 11:33
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

[Filter: Irene]

Dragons, I knew that I'd be grateful in the end that I told you about Hilary and I.

I -- she --

She started bleeding. We were just writing, and then she was begging for me to fetch her healer, and I did, and ...

The baby's fine. Well -- fine may not be the right word, but right now, it's still alive, the healer says. But Hilary is weak and Dragons, she's so pale, and the baby is in some sort of distress, and I don't even know what to do, or what to think. I'm so worried for them both, but her, especially. I've never seen her so white. She's like a ghost of a person.

My head is flying in all directions, right now.

Date:	2010-10-23 00:17
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated

[Filter: Hilary]

Sister ...

Please. Can't you at least talk to me? Now, of all times? I know you're angry. I know you think I was selfish, that it was poorly considered. But I still did it, and I'm still not sorry I did, and you're still pregnant and growing, so don't you think that it's time to grow beyond this, now?

Date:	2010-09-29 22:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

[Filter: Hilary]

I have to tell you something. You're not going to like it, but I won't hide it from you.

Date:	2010-09-16 07:23
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

[Filter: Private]

... I need to talk to someone.

Hilary is right, I have to stand beside her, and this isn't the time to be concerned with my insignificant problems. Things are much worse for her. For me to ask her to support me, right now ... it's ridiculous. That's not the sort of man I want to be for her.

But -- but I need to talk to someone.

... she understands what it's like. A love that no one understands, that you're reviled and cast aside for not being willing to give up. If anyone would understand what's between Hilary and I, it would be her. And even if she didn't understand, couldn't accept, she wouldn't tell.

Is it worth the risk? She's the closest thing to a real friend I've had ... maybe ever, aside from Hilary.

I ... don't know.

[Filter: Irene]

So, how are things for you, lately?

Date:	2010-07-31 14:20
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	determined

[Filter: Hilary]

... you know, you're right. You're absolutely right. Why do I think that I'll be able to set my head straight through anything other than staying at your side, helping you through this? We're in this together. That's what I always wanted, isn't it?

What's there to think about?

I can't promise that I won't go back to being a brooding mushroom sometimes in the following months, but ... I know you're right.

And I'm with you, sister. I am. There are no answers anywhere else.

Date:	2010-07-17 21:08
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable

[Filter: Private]

There's a part of me ...

Haven't I gone on and on to myself, whinging about how difficult it is not to know? I've made it such a personal affront from the Dragons themselves that when I look at Hilary's children, I don't know which are mine. Dragons, I've chronicled that at length in this very journal.

Part of me can't help but think this is some ironic punishment from them. They smile smugly and say "well, if you want to complain that we've let you get away with fucking your twin sister for all these years, have what you wish for so dearly."

A child from her that I know is my own.

This isn't what I wanted. Dragons, it's not. But does that mean it's not my fault, anyway?

Well, obviously, it's my fault, but --

It's not that I don't believe in the Dragons. I do. I just don't feel that I have to obey all of their rules, just because they say so, when I don't see any logic in it or anything benefit for myself.

Is that why this is happening?

I don't even know how to feel, honestly.

Date:	2010-06-29 20:17
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	relieved

[Filter: Hilary]

Well, it could have gone worse.

They seemed very sympathetic ... and very taken in. We can't really ask for more than that, can we? We'll make this work. It's a good sign.

I'm not sure about this "counsellor," they want to assign you, though. Have you heard anything more about that since last night?

Date:	2010-06-11 07:29
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable

[Filter: Hilary]

Alright ... alright.

How about this.

You were attacked while walking through the city after dark. Brutalized and defiled. You were so ashamed of what happened that you told no one, not even your darling twin brother. You had hoped to simple put all of this behind you, hope that it all disappeared by pretending that it never happened.

Until, shockingly and horrifyingly ...

Date:	2010-05-28 06:11
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	teasing

[Filter: Hilary]

Well, I just saw him leaving. What did he have to say? Are you going to live, despite your desperate need to push yourself to your limits?

... thank you, for seeing him. Really. I was worried.

Date:	2010-05-21 20:07
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

[Filter: Hilary]

I wish that you would stop being so stubborn and see a healer. It's hardly a sign of weakness to admit that you can't fight off illness by sheer force of will.

Wouldn't you like something to calm your stomach, at least?

Date:	2010-04-30 18:18
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thoughtful

[Filter: Hilary]

I've had some things on my mind.

Someone suggested I should talk to you about them, which sounded like a horrendous idea when they first put it forth, and I told them as much. But ... I've considered, and I really don't see what else to do.

Do you have time to talk?

Date:	2010-04-27 22:05
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

[Filter: Private]

I don't need to name names, or share any unneccessary details. It can just be ...

[Filter: Irene]

I don't suppose you have a large block of time to commit to hearing out a fellow out. I have ... well, something I'd like to talk about, and have recently realized that the variation in my confidantes is essentially nonexistant.